Zelda: Truth or Dare
by jackattack555
Summary: What does the title say? This was initially going to be an April Fool's prank on another fic, but now I have posted it here for your enjoyment. What happens when two crazy people decide to torture the Zelda characters? Hilarity, of course!


**This was initially going to be an April Fools' prank for my Sonic: Truth or Dare fic. On this day, I was going to claim that I had decided to change it into a Zelda: Truth or Dare fic and do this for the whole chapter. However…since my Sonic: Truth or Dare has been removed, I have decided to just post this up anyways for anyone's own entertainment. You can use any of the jokes or gags you want that are in here…in fact, I encourage you to do so! Note: Do not actually send in any truths or dares through reviews! This is only one chapter! However, if you do write or read Truth or Dare fics, I recommend that you read this anyways!**

Jack: Live, on a stage in Hyrule surrounded by fans, this is…Zelda: Truth or Dare! I will be your torturer-I mean, host today! (puts away copy of "Torture For Dummies")

Jill: And I shall join you in this…ummm…"hosting".

Fan audience: (cheering)

All Zelda characters: (gulp)

Jill: How are we going to tell which Link is from which game?

Jack: Already taken care of! (combines all of the adult Links into "Link", combines all of the kid Links into "Toon Link", combines all of the adult Zeldas into "Zelda", and combines all of the kid Zeldas into "Tetra") There. No confusion about which Link's from which game now. It's from ALL of them!

Link: (grumbling) I would've never signed my Nintendo contract if I knew that it would involve me doing this Truth or Dare fic…

Jill: Here's the basic concept: We force the Zelda characters to answer a question, or "Truth", and/or force them to do something, or a "Dare", through reviews.

Jack: Now, to explain ourselves. I wrote a Sonic: Truth or Dare fic that became extremely popular before being removed. Jill is a crazy fan girl.

Jill: Without my Knuckie, I don't know who to go after for a bishie now…(notices Byrne) JACKPOT! (glomps Byrne)

Byrne: Augh! Help me!

Jack: (sighs) Jill, we went over this. Get off the bishie.

Jill: No! (tightens grip on Byrne)

Jack: Do I have to get a crowbar out again?

Jill: You'll never separate me and my Byrnie!

Toon Link: Byrnie? (snickers)

Byrne: Quiet, you!

Jack: (facepalm) Oh my goddesses…we've only been here for a few minutes, and you're already with a new bishie that you're going to torment for this entire time. Well, let's just get to the reviews…

Tingle: Reviews? Tingle is excited to see what his fans have to say about him!

Jack: What about if they hate you?

Tingle: Nobody would say that! Now, onto the first review…

_Tingle: I hate you._

_Link: Why don't you ever speak in the games?_

_Shiek: Are you male or female?_

_Midna: Why do you look like one of those creatures from Avatar? Go back to Pandora!_

_Jack: Do whatever you want._

_-jackattack555_

Tingle: (sobbing)

Jack: (watching Tingle) I feel so bad and yet so good at the same time.

Link: Have you ever heard my voice? Just play the Cd-i games. My voice is horrible!

Jack: I guess I see your point. If I had a voice like that, I'd stay as shut up as possible. And by the way, I should mention our policy on the Cd-i games. I know that they're not officially Nintendo games, and so on…but I'm still going to reference them anyways, because they're so stupid and are just asking to be mocked!

Link: Awww…that's only going to hurt my rep more!

Jill: Your rep is still fine.

Link: No it's not! If you haven't noticed, Toon Link's been hogging most of the recent games. Ever since that one game with a baton and sailing…(points to a nearby pool where Toon Link is sailing on the King of Red Lions)

Toon Link: (singing) I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Everybody look at me, 'cause I'm sailing on a boat! I'm on a boat!-

Jack: Enough of this going off on a tangent! Let's get to the next question.

Zelda: (turns into Shiek) Hmm…I never thought of that question too much. I don't know. (turns back)

Fans: (start fighting amongst each other)

Jill: Oh no…not another fan war! (watches explosions in the crowd below) Damn it.

Zelda characters: (start arguing with each other)

Jack: That's it…EVERYONE, SHUT UP!

Everyone: (silence)

Jack: I know that there's plenty of people who say that Shiek is male, and plenty of people who say that Shiek is female. For this fic I'm just going to assume that Shiek is male, only so that I can then accuse Zelda of being a transsexual!

Zelda: (glares)

Jill: So Link…what's it like to bang a tranny?

Link: I never did it with Zelda!

Jack: That's not what the ending of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link implies…

Link: Shut up! (runs off crying)

Midna: What, just because I'm blue I automatically have to be one of the Na'vi?

Jack: Short answer: yes. (snaps fingers)

Midna: (clad only in a bikini) Hey! I don't like this fan service outfit!

Jack: (shrugs) You have to look like the aliens before visiting…and yes, I also put you in that for the fan boys!

Fan boys: (cheering)

Jack: (stuffs Midna into a cannon, fires her into space) To the moon-I mean, Pandora, your highness!

Midna: (goes through space screaming)

Jack: Now, what should I do for my dare? Hmm…I either want to (bleep) someone or kill someone! Though I guess I'll do a killing first. (pulls out a pistol) The only question is: who should I kill first?

Navi: Hey! Watch out!

Jack: WE HAVE A WINNER! (shoots Navi)

Random Offstage Chorus: (singing) Mmm, what you sa-ay…oh, that you only meant well…

Jill: (turns to Jack) Seriously? Do you really think that anyone is going to get that reference?

Jack: Well, how am I supposed to know who watched The O.C. or Saturday Night Live? Or heard that Imogen Heap song?

Janitor: (busy cleaning up Navi's body) Damn kids…with their trigger-happy fingers and annoying video game characters and obscure pop-culture references!

Jill: (sighs) Next!

_Here's some things for the princesses!_

_Zelda: What's the best thing about being a princess?_

_Midna: Do you like bread?_

_Zelda: In Ocarina of Time, why did you do nothing to help?_

_Tetra: If you're a true pirate, then go to Somalia!_

_Zelda: In Ocarina of Time, you were a ninja. In Windwaker, you were a pirate. WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?_

_-jackattack555_

Zelda: The best thing about being a princess? (grins) Executions.

Everyone: (backs away from Zelda)

Link: (storms in) I can't believe I tapped that.

Midna: (lands back on stage with many arrows in her) Uhhhn…they didn't like me too much…

Jill: I don't care. Answer the question!

Midna: What's the reviewer talking about?

Jack: (laughs) That's a reference to your random babblings in Twilight Princess. It sounds like you're saying things such as "Do you like bread?" and "This is not fried chicken!" while babbling in the game. So…do you like bread?

Midna: Yes. Grrr…

Zelda: I did plenty to help while I was Shiek! Remember the warp songs? How could Link have gotten through the Spirit Temple without it?

Jill: Ummm…actually, there's a glitch in the game that allow Link to get up the two ledges of the Spirit Temple from the outside, so he can grab both items and advance without needing your help.

Zelda: (sobs)

Jack: (pats her back) There, there…at least he still needed a warp song to get into the Shadow Temple-oh wait, there's a glitch for getting there too!

Zelda: (sobs deeper)

Tetra: Yar! Be there treasure in this "Somalia"?

Jill: Ummm…sure.

Tetra: Avast, mateys! We shall sail to this land! (heads off with crew)

Zelda: (distraught at question) I…I don't know!

Jill: PICK A SIDE!

Fans: (cheering)

Zelda: How am I supposed to know what I'm better with?

Jack: What do you like more? Ships or castles? One Piece or Naruto? Captain Jack Sparrow or Ask A Ninja?

Zelda: But, but I don't want to-

Jack: If you don't pick a side, I'm throwing you to the horny fan boys down in that audience. You don't want that, do you?

Zelda: (gulps) Umm...since Tetra can't kill me right now, I'll say ninjas!

Ninja fans: (cheering)

Pirate fans: (battling the ninja fans in another bloody war)

-Later-

Janitor: (cleaning up the remains of the battlefield) Damn kids…with their pirates and their ninjas and their fan wars…

Tetra: (gets back from trip) There not be any treasure in Somalia! Just some more competition from the other pirates. With machine guns.

Jill: That's kind of the point. It makes your crew look like dumbasses!

Tetra: (pouting)

Zelda: Where's Toon Link?

Link: (muttering) He's showing off with the success of his newest game…(points to Toon Link, who is riding a train on some nearby Spirit Tracks)

Toon Link: (singing) I'm on a train! I'm on a train! Everybody look at me, 'cause I'm riding on a train! I'm on a train!-

Jack: I liked that game, especially because they killed Zelda in it! And they also gave proof that Zelda's actually a crazy annoying bitc-

Zelda: (tackles Jack) DIE!!! (starts strangling him)

-One fight broken up by security later-

Jack: (gasping) Link, your girlfriend needs anger management. Badly. Anyways, let's go to the next review…

_Let's now do some Cd-i related queries!_

_King Harkinian: Did you ever successfully find out what's for dinner? And are the rumors true that you're the son of the Burger King?_

_Morshu(the shopkeeper): Why does Koridai use "rubies" instead of "rupees"? That's got to be troubling when dealing with international commerce!_

_Wizard from Faces of Evil: Remember that scene where it looked like Link has found Zelda, but it turned out to be you in disguise? That was really creepy. Since you seem to like pretending to be women, take the role of the "woman" in The Crying Game!_

_Ganondorf: When you did the infamous "Or else you will DIE!" scene, I noticed that you had really bad teeth. Who's your dentist?_

_King Harkinian (again): I've noticed that there are multiple people that claim to be the king of Hyrule in the Zelda series. There's Daltus in Minish Cap, you in the Cd-i games, and the King of Red Lions in Windwaker. Who's the ruler of Hyrule for this fic? I suggest having a fight to the death to find out!_

_-jackattack555_

Jack: (reading the last dare) Whoa…whoever this jackattack555 guy is, he sure is one sadistic bastard!

Jill: I'm curious about the answer to that first question. Is it lotsa spaghetti? Toast?

Harkinian: I had an octorok. You see, when Link mentioned that he was so hungry that he could eat an octorok, it started making ME hungry for eating octoroks, so I-

Link: You actually listened to that suggestion? Ewww…(shudders)

Harkinian: And as to your second question, no! Though I secretly wish so…mmm, burgers. (drools, then turns to Zelda) Zelda, Burger King is under attack by the evil forces of McDonalds! I'm going to the food court to eat-I mean, aid him. (leaves)

Morshu:…Silence, you fool! Isn't it obvious? Since mine is the only currency that sticks out from the rest of the currency in the land, it allows me to put in whatever outrageous exchange rates between the two currencies that I want to! This gives me an economic monopoly over Koridai, making me rich and everyone else poor. MUAHAHAHA!

Jill: Sir, I nominate you for the businessman of the year!

Goronu: Is that third question referring to me? In my defense, I had to do what was necessary in order to smite the living from Koridai!

Jack: (rolls eyes) Right…and the dancing skeleton in the tutu that you summoned?

Jill: I think your sexual orientation is becoming more and more clear-

Goronu: I'm totally straight! And I'll prove it by doing whatever dare this reviewer has for me!

-One dare later-

Goronu: (fetal position in a corner)

Ganondorf: Well…Twinrova usually checks my teeth.

Link: (snickering) Wait…so you have your mom check your teeth?

Ganondorf: Yes. Now shut up, all of you mortal fools!

Zelda: Or what, you're gonna call in Mommy on us?

Ganondorf: That is IT! (fires an energy blast at Link and Zelda)

Link and Zelda: (use Tingle as a shield)

Tingle: AHHHHH! Tingle is in so much pain…and yet is surprisingly turned on!

Everyone: (backs far away from Tingle)

Jack: (throws up) Too much information…(shoots Tingle) That helps.

Chorus: (singing) Mmm, what you sa-ay…oh, that you only meant well…

Jack: Are they going to do that every time I kill someone? It's starting to annoy me…

Harkinian: (back from his "conquest") Ah, another query? Well, I deem it that I should be the ruler!

King of Red Lions (KORL): Are you kidding? You got yourself captured by Ganon in one game and did absolutely nothing in the other! I kept helping out Link all throughout his adventure.

Harkinian: Yes, but that still doesn't keep away the fact that you're a (bleep)ing boat!

KORL: But the kingdom prospered under my rule!

Daltus: Yeah, the kingdom was doing fine under your rule until it was DESTROYED BY THE GODS! At least I kept up a good security for the land.

Harkinian: Yes, as letting the enemy WALK IN and release all of the evil monsters and turn your daughter to stone definitely demonstrated some great security there!

Daltus: Alright, let's settle this.

KORL: Agreed. (begins fighting the other two kings…and no, I don't know how a boat can possibly be fighting two people)

-One fight cloud later-

Harkinian: (emerges victorious) Ha! Being a character on M.U.G.E.N. gave me plenty of practice with fighting!

Jack: He is not kidding. The King has actually been made into a M.U.G.E.N. character.

Janitor: (cleaning up the bodies of the other two) Damn kings…with their power struggles or bad security or being a boat…

Jack: And now, let's get to the more adult dares! Kids, get out of here!

Toon Link: You can't stop me! (starts singing) I'm on a handheld! I'm on a handheld! Everybody look at me, 'cause I'm starring in a handheld! I'm on a-

Jack: (uses a giant Deku Leaf to send all of the kids off) There.

Janitor: (lowers disco music, starts playing porn music in the background)

_Byrne: This Jill character seems pretty interested in you. Spend some "quality time" with her._

_Navi: Mudfight with Tatl!_

_Vaati: During Minish Cap, why did you decide to turn yourself into a giant eye? You had so many fan girls, but then you lost them with that transformation!_

_Midna: Dive into the fan boys!_

_STAR game fan girls in Twilight Princess: Link is all yours._

_-jackattack555_

Byrne: (mortified)

Jill: Hooray! We're going to have so much fun!

Byrne: But…there's no bedroom around here! Where would she do this atrocity to me?

Jack: Here! (opens the door of a nearby closet) As I say: What better place to lose your virginity in than a dark, cramped closet?

Byrne: How about-AHHH! (dragged into closet by Jill)

Jill: (shuts door, quickly causes Byrne to start screaming more)

Jack: (revives Navi)

Navi: Listen! Who's Tatl?

Jack: The bitch that stole your job in Majora's Mask! Get her!

Navi: (flies over to Tatl, starts fighting her over a random mud pit)

Link: You know, a mud fight's not that enjoyable when it's just two little balls of lights trashing it out.

Jack: That's when I do this…AUTHOR POWERS! (disables their lights)

Everyone: (gasps)

Navi and Tatl: (too busy fighting to notice)

Link: Cool…I never knew that they weren't wearing anything under those lights!

Fan boys: (cheer)

Jill: (heads out of closet with an exhausted Byrne) While everyone's distracted, let's get to the next question!

Vaati: What do you mean "chicks don't dig the eye"? Of course they do!

Jill: We don't. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!

Vaati: (pouts) Fine. If everyone wants me to be human again, I guess I'll turn back…

-One transformation later-

Fan girls: (cheering)

Vaati: (looks down) Crap. I probably should've put some clothes on before I-(buried under a pile of fan girls)

Midna: (notices Vaati's fate) Well, that scares me out of doing my dare.

Jack: (pushes Midna off the stage) This isn't a show where you get a choice in the matter.

Fan boys: (take away their prize)

Zant: It seems that Navi has won the fight!

Navi: (disposes of Tatl's corpse, then looks down) HEY! (puts light back on)

Guys: (walk away grumbling)

Link: (reads next dare) Who?

Jill: Don't you remember? Those fan girls outside the tent that would give you hearts every time you won the STAR game?

Link: (gulps) Oh goddesses no…

Fan girl 1: (grabs Link) Remember us?

Fan girl 2: (also grabs Link)We remember you, bishie.

Fan girl 3: Now, how about you once again show us how good you are with your "Hookshot"?

Link: In Twilight Princess, it's called a Claw Shot-AUGH! (gets dragged off while screaming)

_Kapora Gaebora: Are you the owl in Link's Awakening? If not, fight that owl to the death! If so, fight Hedwig from Harry Potter to the death!_

_Twilight Princess Postman: Fight all of the other annoyances in the series to the death!_

_Jack: You get to kill the winner of said fight._

_Ganondorf: Just for the hell of it, bang Midna._

_Din: Are you a stripper? Sorry, it's just that your outfit in Oracle of Seasons was very tight on you, making certain features…noticeable. (P.S. How much for a ride?)_

_-jackattack555_

Jack: I love Link's Awakening. Especially since it's the trippiest ending to a Zelda game ever!

KG: No, I am not. That owl was just a part of the Wind Fish, the whale that dreamed up an entire landscape in which a hero could traverse across and thereby end the dream….and that reminds me of my dreams. Would you like a useless, long account of my dreams?

Everyone: NO!

KG: You have selected "Yes". My first dream that I remember, since I have a long memory, had to be when I was three. The sun was rising, and I was moving into a restful position when sleep overcame my eyelids. It slowly crawled through my body, reaching up until-

Jack: (throws the Link's Awakening Owl at KG) Kill it! NOW! The speeches must end…

-One memorable battle later(which is obviously why I didn't go into detail about it)-

KG: -And so I then proceeded to talk in a diplomatic fashion with the cashier. I clearly deserved my three cents change back, and the machine was obviously mistaken. Therefore, I mentioned that perhaps the store should hire a mechanic to check the registers, leading to an inevitable discovery of the malfunction. With this in mind, I talked to the cashier some more about-

Everyone: (dying of boredom)

Jill: (yawns) Who knew that Kaepora Gaebora could just kill the other owl by going into a long rant about a daily flight through the forest? (pushes aside the corpse of said owl)

Jack: (yawns) I…don't think…we can make it…Goodbye…everyone…

Janitor: (yawns) Damn… boring…kids…(topples over a candle stand, knocking the candle onto KG)

KG: (set on fire, starts screaming and flying around) Fire! With incendiary properties!

Everyone: (celebrates and picks up the Janitor)

Janitor: Damn kids…with their appreciation for me saving their lives…

Jack: To quote Belkar from The Order of the Stick: When in doubt, set something on fire!

Jill: (revives all of the dead, creates an arena) What better way to settle this than in the most barbaric methods possible?

Jack: (shoves all of the annoyances into the arena)

Zant: (in arena) Am I really that annoying?

Jack: Not necessarily. I just like seeing you go psycho!

Postman: (throws letters, starts chopping off enemy heads) You all mock me for my shorts…now who's laughing?

Jack: Cool!

Tingle: Tingle's dance shall put an end to this! Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-(dead)

-Another enjoyable battle later-

Navi: (wins) Hey! Look!

Jack: I am. (throws away popcorn) You now have two choices: Die or die. (shoots Navi)

Chorus: (singing) Mmm, what you sa-ay…oh, that you only meant-

Jack: That's it, I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS! (starts shooting offstage)

Chorus: (silence)

Jack: That's better.

Ganondorf: Score! Literally!

Midna: (climbs back on stage, rolls eyes) Just make it quick. (heads into closet with Ganondorf)

Din: What?! Me, the oracle of one of the three greatest powers in all of the land, a representative of the people to the heavens, be in a low-level position like a stripper?! Of course I am. By the way, 90 rupees.

Guys: (moaning disappointment)

Din: I'm not lowering that price! I know how to use my "gifts" well!

Jill: Let's move away from the topic of sex by talking about-

Fan boys: (booing)

Jill:-Umm, sex?

Fan boys: (cheering)

Ganondorf: (heads out of the closet grinning) Ah, that was fun!

Midna's voice from closet: Wow...that was exhausting! (heads out)

Everyone: (gasps)

Midna: What is it? Hey, when did all of you get so big? (looks down and sees that she's an imp) OH MY GODDESSES!

Jill: Ganon, why did you turn her into an imp again?

Ganondorf: (blushes) Well, you see…this is kind of embarrassing for me, but I have a fetish for cursing people. And I guess that I must have gotten caught up in the thralls of our passion near the end, so I-

Midna: You! Turn me back now!

Ganondorf: I would if I could, but…I really don't know the countercurse.

Jill: Why did you cast it on her if you didn't know how to change her back?

Ganondorf: Because I find it more funny that way!

Jack: Dude…you remind me so much of Xykon from the Order of the Stick right now. That's awesome!

Ganondorf: Thanks.

Jack: Oh, and I stole your wallet. (runs offstage with Din) If you'll do that for 90 rupees, let's find out what you'll do for 200!

_Link: I've recently seen shows like Video Game Confessions and Drawn Together. Are the allegations true that you're gay?_

_Tingle: Are you supposed to be the Japanese version of Peter Pan? What the (bleep) happened?_

_Link: Since you transformed into a wolf…does that make you a furry?_

_Ganondorf: You rock. Have a cookie._

_Tingle: Just to accomplish your dream, turn into a fairy._

_-jackattack555_

Link: (escapes the fan girls) Hell no!

Ganondorf: (coughs) Yeah, right.

Link: (glares at Ganondorf)

Jill: Link, homosexuals can do great in today's society. Just look at the Postman!

Postman: (grins while jogging around the stage)

Link: (shudders) That makes me more scared…

Tingle: A question for Tingle? Hmmm…no.

Jill: I hope not, or else it'll be a miracle that Japanese children are able to fall asleep.

Tingle: As to your second question…everyone has asked Tingle that!

Jill: Well, what the (bleep) happened?

Tingle: Hell if Tingle knows!

Jack: (goes back onto stage with Din) I will never think of the term "finger lickin' good" the same again!

Jill: Now let's take up the perfect opportunity that keybladeboy missed in his fic by calling Link a furry.

Link: I am not a furry!

Jill: (coughs) Yeah you are!

Link: Hell no! First you accuse me of being gay, and now you accuse me of being a furry!

Tingle: A fairy? Where?

Jill: We're accusing Link of being a furry, not a fairy!

Jack: Link's both anyways!

Link: Hey!

Tingle: Tingle still wants to know if the boy's a fairy!

Jack: If you speak one more time, I'm going to shoot off your kneecaps.

Tingle: But Tingle-

Jack: (true to his word)

Tingle: (on the ground) OW! Tingle doesn't feel good! And he still doesn't know if the boy's a fairy…

Link: I'm not a fairy!

Jack: Like that manskirt wasn't telling us anything…

Link: It's a tunic!

Jack: Manskirt!

Link: Tunic!

Jack: Manskirt!

Link: Tunic!

Everyone else: Manskirt!

Link: Awww…(walks off crying)

Ganondorf: (takes cookie) Thanks. (throws the cookie, chops off the King of Red Lion's head) That's for stopping me in Windwaker, a-hole!

Jack: (jaw gaping) I like you now.

Tingle: (reads dare) Hooray! This is a great day for Tingle!

Jack: (sighs) Really? Do we have to do this? (turns Tingle into a fairy)

Tingle: Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-aw, screw it! Now that I don't have to put up this idiotic ruse anymore, (bleep) all of you!

Everyone: (gasps)

Jill: When did we switch Tingle with another fairy?

Tingle: It's still me. All of you were just foolish enough to believe the fake personality I had built up for many years. But now, I finally have the great powers of a fairy that I had been seeking for so long. ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY TINGLE!

Zelda: Umm…just because you're a fairy doesn't mean we have to worship you.

Tingle: (laughs maniacally) Oh, but you all will soon. FAIRY POWERS! (paralyzes everyone on stage)

Ganon: (frozen) What the hell? How come we've never seen any other fairies use this power?

Tingle: Because they were all too much of "we have to be NICE to others" to try using these powers. In truth, any one fairy has the power to take over an entire kingdom, if not the world!

Jill: (frozen) So your hope to become a fairy was actually a heinous plot to take over the world?

Tingle: (grins) Yes. And now The Almighty Tingle has won!

Jack: (frozen) Damn! I can't believe we all fell for it!

Tingle: Now I control all of your minds. Let's line up you female slaves. (lines up all females in front of the closet) First, The Almighty Tingle is going to get laid. A lot. Then, I'm probably going to storm into Hyrule Castle and control the entire army. With this, I'll head to the borderlands and-(continues on a long speech)

Link: (walks back onto stage) Hi, jerks! Why's everyone standing so still?

Jack: (whispers) Link…stop Tingle…

Link: Stop him from what? He-(notices Tingle, pulls out a bottle) Ooh, a fairy! I used up my last one when I followed that Moblin's advice to jump in its mouth for a treasure! It's too bad that I couldn't find the treasure in all of that stomach acid…

Tingle: (ends speech, turns around to see Link) What the-(bottled)

Everyone: (freed) YAY!

Jack: Link being the hero? Imagine that…

Jill: (glomps Byrne) Oh, bishie! I was so worried that I would never be able to rape you again!

Byrne: (struggling) Mmmph!

Jill: What, do you want some now?

Byrne: (shaking head rapidly)

Jill: Since I just made up that it's Opposite Day, I'll take that as a yes! (drags Byrne into the closet)

Zelda: (looking on computer) Hey! Someone else already did the joke of Tingle secretly planning to take over the world!

Jack: WHAT?! You've got to be kidding!

Zelda: I'm not. It was just a week ago that a fic presenting this idea was posted.

Jack: (looks on computer) Oh my gosh…(throws a random wineglass to the ground angrily) DAMN! Months of planning out that joke, and someone else beats me to the chase! (Note: I actually like that fic. It's pretty funny.)

_And now, for some good, crazy dares to end this on!_

_All hot Zelda women: Do the ever-popular dare of washing down Epona for us again._

_Everyone in Hyrule: Have any of you seen the American-Canadian War of 1999(as portrayed in the harrowing documentary South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut)? Now have a war between Hyrule and Termina!_

_Link: Pimp your ride(Epona)!_

_All: Party!_

_-jackattack555_

Hot chicks from the games: (head onto stage wearing bikinis while holding a bucket and cloths)

Fan boys: (cheering)

Jack: (throws a basket into the crowd) Give us your money! The strippers-I mean, washers need tips!

Midna: (slaps cloth into bucket, gets splashed on) Whoa!

Fan boys: (start putting in one-rupee gems)

Din: Out of my way, Zelda! (towel snaps Zelda out of her way to start washing Epona)

Fan boys: (putting in 20-rupee gems)

Ilia: (slips on a puddle) Oops! (tumbles onto Nabooru, lands on top of her in a certain awkward position)

Fan boys: (putting in 100-rupee gems)

Jack: Exploiting peoples' sexual frustrations for money is AWESOME!

-One cash cow-I mean, horse washing later-

Zelda: (slaps Jack) How could you exploit us like this?

Jack: Hey, at least I didn't have you all do what usually happens when teenage girls and horses are shown together on the Internet!

Ilia: Ooh! Do they ride the horses?

Jack: (sighs) Well, kind of…except the girls ride upside down…and without any clothes on…

Ilia: (confused)

Jack: Never mind.

Jill: Let's get this war started already!

-Outside Termina Field-

Zelda: What's our plan to take Clock Town?

Ganondorf: First, we shall use bombs to cause avalanches that will seal off the northern, southwestern, and eastern pathways. Then, we shall burn down the southern swamp. Finally I shall move the entire army to blocking the western pathway. With all exits sealed, we shall put Clock Town under a siege and eventually starve the inhabitants to death!

Jack: (turns to Ganondorf) You're a sadistic bastard…(glomps Ganondorf) I like you!

-A one-sided war later-

Link: Pimp my ride?

Jill: Yeah. Haven't you ever seen that show?

Link: Umm…where is it?

Jack: (shudders) It's in the heart of one of the most notorious ghettos of all time…Sesame Street!

Elmo: (randomly appears on stage wearing gangster clothes) Elmo's gonna put a cap in your ass! (leaves)

-On Pimp My Ride-

Xzibit: Hmm…needs some new rims! I'll get my peeps to fix this bitch! (takes Epona off)

Link: What did he just call my horse?

Jack:…Never mind. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go add to the drug supply for our stage. (starts walking off)

Jill: There's drugs on Sesame Street?

Jack: (turns back) Of course! Just a word of advice: The Cookie monster's cookies are addictive for another reason besides sugar!

Jill: Oh…

Jack: And if I don't get some of those cookies from a dealer, I'll just follow The Count's advice! (pulls out a knife, makes motions) 1 stab, 2 stab, 3 stab, 4! (runs off)

Link: Okay…what do we do in the meantime?

Jill: I already know what I'm doing! (pulls a bound and gagged Byrne out of her suitcase, drags him off)

Link:…She fit him in her SUITCASE?!

-One ride pimping later-

Jill: Is he here yet?

Jack: (stumbling) Whoa…the walls are moving, man!

Xzibit: (brings in a very shiny Epona)

Link: (covering eyes) All of that jewelry! Man, this thing is bright.

Xzibit: Isn't that awesome? It'll be like, you can't see where you're going from all that awesome shine!

Link: Umm…thanks? (goes away with Epona and Jack)

Xzibit: (stops Jill at the door, points to Byrne) Who's that hostage you have there?

Jill: Oh, him? He's not my hostage; he's my soulmate that I only met a couple of hours ago!

Xzibit: He looks like he'd be a very good hostage for our crew to make money off of!

Xzibit's Henchmen: (pull out guns)

Xzibit: Give him to us!

Jill: (sighs) It looks like I have no choice…(pulls out two machine guns) You live by the bishie, you die by the bishie!

-Back on stage-

Zelda: Umm…where's Jill?

Jack: Who cares? Let's party already!

Zelda: But-

Jack: Quiet! People who party at least once a week have a higher life expectancy, according to a stat that I just completely made up. Now, LIVE!

-A half hour later-

Jill: (steps onto stage with Byrne)

Zelda: Where the hell were you?

Jill: Well, I had to kill Xzibit and his men, which took a minute.

Zelda: You were gone for a half hour!

Jill: Oh, that's because I decided to have sex with Byrne again afterwards!

Byrne: (trying to get away) Mmph! Mmph!

Jill: Ignore him. He know he liked it. Why else would he scream so much?

Zelda: (backs away from Jill)

Midna: (approaches Jack) Now can you turn me back?

Jack: Sure! Author Powers!

Midna: (back in true form, but missing something) Where the hell are my clothes?

Jack: Ask that to the fan boys! (shoves her into the fan boy crowd again)

Ganondorf: (hiccupping) Y-you know what? I-I'm tired of my m-mom telling me what to do! Yeah, yeah. Like, why can't I pack my lunches when I take over the world?

Link: (patting Ganondorf's back) T-totally, man! You've gotta move out!

Ganondorf: Yeah…you're right, whoever you are! I-I'll go my own way!

Link: (hiccups) Th-that's the spirit, Zelda! (kisses Ganondorf)

Ganondorf: (slaps Link, then throws up)

Yaoi fan girls: (cheering)

Ruto: (hides in a corner while looking at Link) My…precioussss…

Link: (stumbles onto middle of stage, passes out)

Ruto: (pounces onto Link) PRECIOUS IS MINE!

Jack: (kicks Ruto into the fan boys)

Ruto: (taken away) PRECIOUSSSS!

Jill: (runs up to Jack) You saved Link!

Jack: Who? I just saw an annoying character and decided to make it suffer!

Jill: Oh…

Janitor: (cleaning up the many messes being made) Damn kids…with their comedies ending in awesome parties!

Jack: (jumps onto pimped-out Epona) And so now I say goodbye to all of our viewers! I hope that you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed making it! To the quality Truth or Dare fic makers everywhere, I say this: Farewell, my friends! May you always remember that laughter is the best medicine!

**So, ****that's**** it. This fic was a message not only to the Zelda fan base, but also to those who loved my Sonic: Truth or Dare fic. Consider this my farewell gift to the Truth or Dare community! If you liked this, you can tell me so…I'd prefer to hear what particular jokes you liked/disliked in this! The best way I can improve my comedy is to know how people react to my jokes. If you want to review this, you'll want to send it in through a PM, since I'll probably delete this story in a few days! I know you might become outraged at my deleting this, but there's too many people without a funny bone out there for me to keep this on! If you want to remember this story, you'll want to copy-and-paste this soon! **


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